The frustrations of sleeplessness overtake me due largely in part to the shape distortion of my spine and having to be on my feet for the day at work. The pain crept in early on, not by choice, but what could I do? Now I’m left to suffer the consequences with a sleepless night complete with tossing and turning while my mind painfully keeps me hard at work running teller transactions throughout the night. Joy, where have you gone?
As my frustrations become unbearable I crawl out of bed in tears to warm a handmade heating pad to place under my lower back. My husbands wakes up. Like he has always done, he begins to offer comfort. He urges that I take medicine, sleep on his side of the bed and use his pillow. He prayed for me. I wept quietly. It’s a moment too intimate for words.
As I try to find a comfortable spot in my new awkward position, my mind takes me yet another place. It’s the little things that trigger an unsettling memory of my Nenaw. The place I am taken is back to her bedroom only a few months ago as she suffered through her last days. I am reminded because of nothing other than the heating pad on which I now rest my aching body. A similar heating/cooling pad was placed on and around her aching body as she was taking her last breaths. I find it best not to visit this place in my thoughts, though, I suppose it to be healthy on occasion.
I become ridiculous at four in the morning. Sleep, won’t you find me?
“Always read with a pen in hand. The pen should be used both to mark the text you want to remember and to write from where the text leaves you. Think of the text as the starting point for your own words.”—Mandy Brown, “Ways of reading” (via austinkleon)
I think this is going to be a thought-provoking read. Can’t wait for it to hit the shelves.
Rob Bell reveals a secret deep in the heart of millions of Christians—they don’t believe what they have been taught are the essential truths of their faith. Out of respect for their tradition, they keep quiet, confiding to a few close friends their doubts and questions about salvation, Jesus, and, of course, God.
Bell brings out to the open and faces squarely the questions on everyone’s mind: Does it really make sense that God is a loving, kind, compassionate God who wants to know people in a personal way, but if they reject this relationship with Jesus, they will be sent to hell where God will eternally punish them forever?
In Love Wins, Bell goes to the heart of these issues and argues that the church’s traditional understanding of heaven and hell is actually not taught by the Bible. Bell is emphatically not offering a new view of heaven and hell; instead, he closely examines every verse in the Bible on heaven and hell and shows what they really teach. And he discovers that Jesus’s most fundamental teaching about heaven and hell is, “Love wins.”
On a side note, today we celebrate our six month of marriage. Steven had to work all day. I took the day to clean our apartment and later met my sister Rachel for coffee (Sometimes I forget how much I miss spending time with her. She is such a beautiful person - inside and out. Her friends: consider yourselves blessed to have a friend like her. She cares deeply for each of you). Anyways, I made cupcakes and a homemade card to welcome Steven home tonight. We can’t believe it’s been six months already.
As was one of my goals for January, my photography price list has been in the works, is almost finished and will be made public soon! Already have shoots booked for 2011-2012 and couldn’t be more excited.
"But no matter how much the mess and distortion make you want to despair, you can’t abandon the work because you’re chained to the bloody thing, it’s absolutely woven into your soul and you know you can never rest until you’ve brought truth out of all the distortion and beauty out of all the mess - but it’s agony, agony, agony - while simultaneously being the most wonderful and rewarding experience in the world- and that’s the creative process which so few people understand."
In a matter of a couple hours, I sat down with Rob Bell’s newest, Drops Like Stars - a book on suffering and the creative process - and finished it. The book resonated with where my soul currently rests. It gave me hope.
“Above all, remember that the meaning of life is to live it as if it were a work of art. You’re not a machine. When you’re young, start working on this great work of art called your own existence.”—Abraham Joshua Heschel